Her Mantra
by Calling to Say Goodbye
Summary: This scenario had played out in her worst nightmares for years. It wasn't a dream this time though, and it was worse than her nightmares had ever been. Never in her wildest imagination had she thought if this was to happen she wouldn't be there to help and comfort him. Post 08x02. Caskett. One Shot.


**A/N**

 **Hello!**

 **It certainly has been a long time since I've felt like I wanted to publish something, but lately I've had a few ideas I can't get out of my head. This is one of them.**

 **So, two hours of writing and one name change later, here I am!**

 **I hope you enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned anything, I can assure you 8x02 would have finished differently.**

 **Spoilers for all episodes that have aired in the USA.**

* * *

It had been a month when she received the call. A month of sleeping on her own in a cold hotel bed. A month of watching him from her office in the precinct, and pretending that their awkward conversations were enough. A month of missing _him._

She was sat in her office, trying to pay attention to her reports and repeating her newfound mantra over and over in her head.

 _You are doing this for him. For your future. For your marriage._

She hopes that one day she will believe her own words and not find herself sat in her car outside the hotel, keys in the ignition, every evening just moments away from going back to him. She hopes that day comes quickly because she is not sure how much more of this she can take.

The shrill ringing of her cell phone startles her, and she realises that it must have been a while since she did any work as her computers screen saver stares back at her.

 _Captain Beckett's Computer - Keep out!_

He had done it of course. He was everywhere. She had not noticed that he had done it until she came to work the morning after walking out of their home. She had switched it on and gone to make a cup of coffee. By the time she was back in her office the screen saver had popped up. She couldn't bring herself to change it.

She looked down at the screen of her phone and saw the call was from Ryan. The boys had very much taken Castle's side since they found out what she had done, and they had insisted that she let him help them on cases. They were out questioning a suspect, and it did not take a genius to know that given the time of day they had probably stopped somewhere to get lunch. Normally Castle would guess what she wanted, or call to double check. In the last couple of weeks Ryan had started to do it instead. It had taken her breath away the first time. She felt stupid almost instantly afterwards, but it felt like Castle was slipping away from her. He wasn't trying as hard to get her back now, and when he looked at her he just seemed lost.

 _You are doing this for him. For your future. For your marriage._

Kate took a deep breath and answered the phone.

"Beckett."

"Kate," he sounded panicked, which combined with the use of her first name instantly made shivers run up her spine. "There is no easy way to say this-" She interrupted him at his hesitation.

"Ryan, you're scaring me. What's happened?" She heard the quiver in her own voice, for once not scolding herself for showing weakness to her team. Later, she would realise that as Ryan started to speak again she knew what was coming. That connection Castle always joked about had never really left.

"Castle has been shot."

And just like that her world stopped.

* * *

Kate somehow managed to arrive at the hospital within record time and without causing an accident. She had broken countless traffic rules and she couldn't bring herself to care. She had definitely parked illegally too, but ran through the entrance to the ER and briefly thought to herself that if her car got impounded she just _did not care._ She needed to know how her husband was and what the hell had happened. She almost ran into the front desk, which did successfully draw the attention of the unamused nurse on the other side.

"My husband, Richard Castle, was brought in by some detectives." Her words fell out of her mouth, almost all at once. "He was shot." Her voice breaks on her last word. Her husband had been shot. The nurse looked at her for a moment, with some degree of sympathy on her face, before typing something into her computer.

"He is currently in surgery, but I don't have any details at this stage. The detectives who brought him in are waiting just around the corner, if you go wait with them I will make sure someone comes to fill you in as soon as possible," the nurse said kindly. Kate nodded, not quite trusting herself to say anything else without completely breaking down, and she moved in the direction that the nurse was pointing.

She turned the corner and saw Esposito and Ryan sitting next to each other on the awful plastic chairs lining the corridor. Ryan was hunched over, his head in his hands. Esposito noticed her first.

"Beckett." He stood as he said her name. Ryan looked over, and stood too. She walked towards them. It was only when she was a few paces in front of them that she saw it.

Ryan's once white shirt was covered in blood. Her _husband's_ blood. Kate couldn't escape the gasp that escaped her lips shortly before her hand covered her mouth. The tears that hadn't entirely stopped since Ryan called came back in full force. She moved her hand from in front of her mouth.

"Tell me exactly what happened."

* * *

They hadn't even been at the suspects house. They had been walking down the street to Castle's current favourite place to have lunch. The shooting had been a drive-by, in board daylight.

Castle had been targeted.

She hadn't been protecting him at all.

* * *

It only occurred to her about an hour after she arrived that Martha and Alexis weren't there. She knew that they had planned to go to the Hampton's this week, to give her and Rick some space at the house, but wondered if that had still happened. She hadn't spoken to either of them in weeks, and knew that they did not understand her motives at all. She missed them. They were her family too.

"Did you call Martha and Alexis?" Her voice cracks again. She hasn't spoken since the three of them settled down into the chairs again just waiting for news.

"Straight after calling you. They were in the Hampton's and are on their way," Esposito explained, his voice the quietest she's ever heard it. She simply nodded in reply.

They sat in silence again for another 10 minutes before Esposito seemed to have his fill of the atmosphere. He got up, stated he was going to the cafe to get some coffee, and left.

"Ryan," she started as she turned to look at her friend. She tried to focus on his face, and not to let her gaze drift to his blood soaked shift. "Did he say anything before he lost consciousness?"

This scenario had played out in her worst nightmares for years. Haunting her in the moments after waking when she was still too drowsy to know what was real and what wasn't. He always made it better with his embrace and whispered assurances that it had just been a dream.

It wasn't a dream this time though, and it was worse than her nightmares had ever been. Even on the worst nights, when his life had drained out of him under her desperate hands, it had always been better than this. Because she had been there. Never in her wildest imagination had she thought if this was to happen she wouldn't be there to help and comfort him. To tell him to stay with her.

"He said that he loved you. That he wanted me to tell you that he understood why you had made this choice, but that if he survived this he would try everything in his power to make you change your mind," Ryan answered. He had particularly been cold with her since this had all started. Mini Castle through and through. Kate swiped at a tear that had fallen down her cheek, she moved to turn away from him, thinking the conversation was over.

"He does love you, Beckett. More than you love him I think." She turned to him again, outrage clear on her face with her mouth open in indignation. "It might not be my place to say it, but it's true. I know you love him, it is clear when you look at him. It's been clear with how miserable you have been these last few weeks no matter how self inflicted it might be. ButtThrough everything he has always stuck by you. Even with all the stuff around his disappearance, when we all doubted him he still stuck by you. He deserves the same in return."

Silence was her only answer. She was staring at the wall in front of her, tears still falling, and she knew Ryan was right.

"I'm going to go see how Esposito is getting on with those coffees." Ryan stood and left, leaving her by herself.

She stared at the wall until two redheads stood in her line of sight.

* * *

"What are you doing here?" Alexis' voice was monotone, carrying the coldness towards Kate that she had experienced from the young girl since she left.

"Ryan called. Told me what happened. I still love him, Alexis. With all of my heart. Please don't doubt that" Kate replied as evenly as she could. She stared up at the redheads, whose matching frantic expressions said all she needed to know. Alexis' response was on the tip of her tounge, but she was interrupted by her ever diplomatic grandmother.

"Not now, Alexis. Katherine, has anyone come by to explain what has happened?"

"Yes. The doctor explained that Castle needed surgery to fix the internal bleeding in his abdomen. I filled out all of the paper work." She wiped her hand down her face as she spoke, trying to spur herself into action. "That was about 40 minutes ago. The said he should be out soon." Martha nodded at her and took a seat to her right, Alexis followed suit and sat next to her grandmother, purposely not next to Kate.

"Well then," Matha said with false flair "all we can do is wait." Kate was shocked when Martha took her hand and didn't let go.

Kate had missed her family.

* * *

By the time the doctor came around to explain that the surgery had been a success, Kate had been at the hospital for three hours. She had not touched the coffee that the boys had brought her, feeling in some way she was betraying Castle by drinking it.

She had managed to walk away from her husband four weeks ago, but couldn't accept a coffee from someone other than him. She really was messed up.

The doctor explained that Castle should make a full recovery, and that he was lucky because if the bullet had been an inch lower it would have hit his liver. Kate knew it wasn't luck. Whoever did this knew what they were doing, and would be in the wind by now.

Castle wasn't lucky. This had been a warning.

 _You are doing this for him. For your future. For your marriage._

Her mantra came back to her, and in that moment she realised it was wrong. She might not be safe, but neither was he. She had been a fool to think that they were safe apart, and that decision could have cost her amazing, patient, goofy husband his life.

"Can we see him?"

Her question was answered with a nod.

* * *

They had to go in one by one. She let Alexis go first, followed by Martha. It had been difficult to let it happen, to not just run into his room, but she understood that if she was going to rebuild her relationship with her step-daughter and mother-in-law she was going to have to make allowances.

She waited 30 minutes in total. Sat in another plastic chair outside of his room, with the sound of his heart rate on the machine as the backing music. Alexis was sat with her, waiting for Martha to leave so Kate could go in.

As the door clicked open Kate jumped to her feet, desperate to see him. Martha smiled at her, and pulled the door shut behind her.

"He is awake and asking for you, kiddo." Martha moved towards Kate and pulled her into a hug. "I know you Katherine Beckett, not as well as my son does, but I know you. I watched you out there earlier, and if you have made the decision I think you have make sure you are sure. He shouldn't have to have his heart broken by you again." Martha's usual passion was back, and she didn't loosen her hug throughout her mini speech. Kate pulled back.

"I won't. I do love him, Martha. You know that right?"

"I'm not going to pretend for one second that I fully understand your motivation behind your recent actions, but I will never doubt that whatever they are they come from love. The kind of love every mother hopes their child will find." Martha gave her arms a squeeze, and walked past her. She linked arms with Alexis, who was now standing, and walked away. "Come on kiddo, lets go and get something to eat."

Kate took a deep breath and entered her husbands hospital room.

* * *

She stood at the door for a few moments as they stared at each other. He was pale, and hooked up to numerous machines, but he was alive. For the first time since Ryan called her she felt relief.

"Rick-"

"I didn't think you'd come." He interrupted her. He was sad, and he believed every word he had said. He genuinely had thought she wouldn't come. She hated herself for that, and told herself that she would spend the rest of her life making sure this man knew just how precious he was to her.

"Of course I came. You're my husband. I love you."

"Not enough to stay." His words cut into her like a knife. She moved towards the bed, and took his hand. He gripped her hand tightly, as if he was worried as soon as he let go she would disappear.

"You have to know that is not true," she pleaded with him. "I was wrong, I know that now, but I did it beca-"

"What did you just say?" He interrupted. He surged forward, trying to get closer to her. he immediately cried out in pain and his hand that wasn't gripping hers flew to his abdomen.

When would she stop hurting him?

"Be careful there, Superman." She scolded softly, "you can't go launching yourself at me just yet." She helped him settle back down, and made a point not to let go of his hand during the process. Once he was comfortable she started again. "I was wrong, Rick. And I was selfish. I always let this get to me, and I am so so sorry that I didn't listen to you." She started crying in earnest now, and he lifted the hand not occupied by hers to wipe tears off her face. His tenderness made her cry more.

"I've missed you so much. I nearly called every evening. I haven't had a decent night sleep since the last time we slept together in our bed. I am sorry, Rick. So damn sorry." Her short, sharp sentences came out in between sobs. "This is my fault. This is a warning for me to stop, but they'll never stop, Rick. Even if I stop they won't. And I can't lose you to this. I won't survive it." She was close to hysterical, and she couldn't stop. Her husband was in a hospital bed and she was making it all about her.

"Kate, calm down." He said softly, "Are you saying you are coming home?" His voice had so much hope in, she knew even if her plan had been to go back to her hotel she wouldn't have been able to say no.

"I'm saying that if you can forgive me, I'll come home. And we can work through all of this together." He pulled her towards him, albeit weakly, but she came willingly. Her answer was a kiss.

"It won't be easy, Kate. But we'll find our way back."

* * *

She believed him.

* * *

 **Please review :)**

 **Also, if you guys are interested in it I am thinking of writing a sequel to this, and potentially Rick's version of this.**


End file.
